Daily Archives: January 7, 2014






What is your first thought?  Is it positive?  Is it negative?  Good?  Or bad?  Well, I’m referring to those “BAD” secrets, folks.  Family secrets.  You know, those things SOoooo bad that the entire family NEVER talks about them.  They are simply… OFF LIMITS!!!  Your mind runs wild and you can think whatever you may think, BUT… NOTHING… is EVER said!!!

That’s how I grew up, folks.  In a family torn apart, initially, by the death of my parents’ first born son, Michael.  My mother NEVER got over that loss.  Everything.   And I mean… EVERYTHING… about my parents’ perfect little family… DIED…with Michael.  Close family relatives have since reported that my mother was never the same after he died… EVER!  “I Can Only Imagine”…PUN…intended!!!  I needed to insert something positive there.   

So, my parents go on to have 3 more children after losing Michael…ALL GIRLS!!!  Do you believe it?  And I was the last.  Unplanned.  An accident.  That seemed to be a funny family “joke”…ALWAYS.  I guess I was the only one who never laughed.

Michael became, almost, like a “secret”…a bad “secret” that we never spoke about.  That deep pain was hidden, buried DEEP inside, but felt by each and every one of us.  My heart, truly aches for EVERYONE’S pain and suffering caused by the loss of that special little boy…Michael is in a better place.  And he has been since the day he died.  The rest of us, however, did the best we could simply seeking to survive life.

Michael was that FIRST…family “secret” we never talked about.  He was ALWAYS there though.  A reminder of “why” you should NEVER love too much…simply seeking to avoid the potential heartache and pain of another possible “loss”.   That is my perception of what my mother did.  She never allowed herself to REALLY love us kids.  There was always that invisible barrier, my mother’s coping tech., developed subconsciously, to enable her to keep on living… simply seeking to survive…”life”.  WOW!!!  Life is so, so very difficult.  For ALL of us.

My mother… DID THE BEST SHE COULD…SIMPLY SEEKING TO SURVIVE.  Amen.  I love you, mom.  May you rest in peace.

I will continue with Part II of “Family Secrets”…later.