Starting to live at 42…slowing down to enjoy my life along the way…
I guess I’d have to say that my life was always lived in FULL SPEED, literally. I can’t really explain how I always seemed to be in a rush to get somewhere. Almost like I was going to be late for something. Hurry, hurry, hurry. It seemed like I “needed” to hurry and get done here so that I could rush over there for the next thing waiting to happen…whatever that was. Sound crazy? I just never seemed to be happy where I was. My entire life.
Not being happy where I was…wow. This familiar premise again…I, REALLY, had never been happy anywhere because I was not happy within myself. This was me. All through school. Right up until my accident. I just never realized it back then. I can remember wondering if other people felt how I felt or thought what I thought, but all I could do was “wonder” about it. I never dreamed of actually asking anybody anything. Life just went along like that, with me. Things got worse and worse. I developed, let’s say, negative coping techniques just to get me through. Ages 17-22 were the worst for me. I began “openly” smoking cigarettes at 18. I drank alcohol–lots of it at parties or bar dances. I even experimented with marijuana. THIS was considered “BAD” in those days. I developed an eating disorder. I, often, wonder how or why I was able to decline my first and last “prompt” to experiment with cocaine, but “things” were “bad” ENOUGH already. Something had to give…I was truly living in a self-destruct mode. And that “mode” was ALWAYS moving in HIGH GEAR… FAST SPEED. Never slowing to enjoy any part of anything along the way. And this pattern continued long after my accident, until age 42-43.
God revealed some truths to me around March of 2007 as I was able to deal with them. Thus, allowing me to slow my life down a bit. You know, “to stop and smell the roses.” No more anxiety causing me to live in that “hurry-up mode”. The past 6 years of my life have been truly amazing. Living each day, enjoying each moment. All because I’m finally happy within myself.
Thank you, Jesus. All glory be to God. Amen.