Daily Archives: October 17, 2013

PROTECTION

I have these, vague, memories from elementary school of “taking down the bully”  as part of a team effort.   Yep, out on the playground of Zone Elementary School during recess.  I believe there were a few of us involved.  I can remember, strategically, positioning myself behind the “bully” so that I could make my “secret approach,” knocking him to the ground from behind.  I truly believed that I was protecting others.  Others I, perhaps, viewed as weak and unable to protect themselves.  I have held onto a specific memory from that playground for ALL of these years.  Never understanding its significance until recently.

Needing to feel “protected” during almost all of my Jr. High and High School years.  This  is when my fear of being alone began to show itself, however I did not recognize it as such at the time.  I entered my first, real, relationship in 8th grade.  He was a sophomore.  Things were fine for us UNTIL … he graduated, about 2 1/2 years later.  I was then faced with the difficult task of making it through school every day by myself.  IMPOSSIBLE!!!  I was alone … until I found someone new to be my protector.  It was during this time period that I can remember experiencing serious “anger.”  And I had no control of this.  Thus began my obsession with “controlling” my emotions by trying to control people or situations.  I was extremely jealous.  Insecure and simply unable to “trust.”  I had not realized it at the time, but I needed to have that “visible” relationship during school.  Everyone knew that I “was taken” and not available.  Protected, perhaps?

Fast forward through High school graduation, a short marriage, and then … that life-saving car accident in 1986.  Boy, there were about 5 years, 1981-1986, that I was totally “LOST” and I continued on this downward spiral until being saved by almost dying.  After years involving rehabilitation, psych. counseling, college, re-entering the labor force, and then re-locating to Florida, I found myself struggling with being alone once again.  Emotional chaos erupted.

I then met my current husband.  We belonged to the same group of “friends” in Daytona Beach, FL.  We were friends for about 10 months before dating.  And then, look out!  Oh, the anger, jealousy, insecurities and inability to trust all seemed to get worse  and worse while dating.  Worse to the point of my being, insanely, jealous of ridiculous things such as pets, elderly female neighbors, male neighbors, and even Chris’ family.  I guess I was unable to  distinguish between different types  of relationships.  I was always in competition for Chris’ time with all of those other “attention seekers.”  Boy, I’m embarrassed to admit that I tried to DEMAND his total attention at all times.  I ALWAYS hated those things about myself.   I simply could NOT control them.  I was physically and verbally abusive with  my first husband and I started down that same path with Chris until I became aware that he  was NOT going to put up with that kind of “stuff” from anyone.  And I knew it.  This, further motivated me to find out what was “wrong” with me.  And so the search continued…