Christopher Bartlett Allen and I were put directly into each other’s path. No doubts. God intended for us to meet and be together. Chris saved me from myself. He set me on a whole new course of direction, looking for “ME” with a new sense of optimism and “hope” for the future.
Choosing, OR…learning to be happy, NO MATTER WHAT!!! Boy, this was difficult for me. A true pessimist my whole life. Finding ANYTHING good to be happy about was nearly impossible. I had spent all of my elementary, Jr. High, and High School years in Ohio seeking attention via “sadness” or “depression.” Boy, and I could play the role tremendously! The feelings NEVER “fit” the behavior, however. I felt NOTHING! Total numbness! But I sure knew how to “act ” sad or depressed. And it’s really kind of…oh, I don’t know…let’s say… “C…R…A…Z…Y,” how I almost “NEEDED” something bad to happen so that I could play that role of a sad, depressed girl. Yep, I must say that I fabricated conflict in the here and now, so that my inner sadness could be released. Here is that premise again…an “inner turmoil…” being vented inappropriately or on a fabricated situation. Deep stuff, huh?
So, I then survive a car accident at 22. Earn an Associate Degree in Science for Occupational Therapy. Pass the Board exam. Complete 1 full year of employment, my entry-level year, and then set out in this world to “find myself.” The first thing I learned about “ME?” I HATED TO BE ALONE!!! It took me a LONG time to realize that the MAIN reason I did not like to be alone all those years ago is because I DID NOT LIKE MYSELF!!! Think about how difficult that was. Having to spend every minute with someone I did not like. I could tolerate myself when other people were around, like at work, or with friends, but in the privacy of my apartment…ALONE…with myself? Oh, no!!! Thus began the “best year of my single life” in Daytona Beach, FL as I refer to it. Lots of good times. Little sleep. VERY LITTLE SLEEP! Think about it…I hated to be alone with myself. I slept VERY LITTLE. Sleeping meant that I had to be at home, ALONE…BY MYSELF!!! I quickly became the “joke” amongst our group of friends. We would do something “together” every evening. EVERYONE having fun… while I napped on someone’s floor or couch! But at least I wasn’t alone…nope, I was not alone, or by my “self.”
Fast forward through many difficult years, learning to view the glass as half-full, instead of half-empty. The NEW world I now choose to call my world is also known as “Jolly Jill’s World,” a phrase captioned by my co-workers in conjunction with my negative, self talk. See, I have difficulty with my short-term memory and visual discrimination due to the head injury I sustained in that, life saving, car accident in 1986. I frequently lose things or can’t find them, or I forget what I went somewhere specific to “get,” and on, and on, and on. So whenever anyone else does something similar, I simply say “Welcome to my world.” And because I try to find the good or positive in things, often while singing–remember…I AM, A.K.A.: THE SINGING THERAPIST– a few of my co-workers have turned “MY WORLD,” into “JOLLY JILL’S WORLD!” Quite fitting, I might add.
“MY WORLD.” Boy, I actually look forward to sharing specific incidents with you regarding this, so called, “world” I live in…LATER…